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Who is the Swami? Swami Leo is the all-seeing,
all-knowing, all-smelling, all-fondling cosmic entity who wanders
the realms of Saait.net. His natural habitat is the Saait forums.
On the forums he acts as our spiritual guide and conscience,
and he tells us stories of days gone by and of days yet to come.
Swami Leo is a certified member of the Association of Fake Psychics
Incorporated (AFPI), an age-old group of Swamis, Psychics, Astrologers,
Gurus, Maharishi, Spiritual Advisors, and other assorted Bullshit
Artists.
The Swami will answer any question you have for him, be it spiritual,
metaphysical, sex-related, relationship-related, or any other
topic which your warped mind can come up with. He also interprets
dreams.
Swami Leo is pleased to be at your service, but does not take
kindly to people who abuse his power, so be wary of what you
ask him! One member who crossed the Swami actually got turned
into a newt, but of course, he got better.
And remember, Swami Leo may be a fake, but he's FREE!
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Latest Questions to Swami Leo :
Name: Irene
Email: **********
How I found you:
Other
Location: Peru
Color of aura: Other
My
question:
Dear Swami Leo,
Good sir, I have noticed that you give
good advice on many different subjects. I have a personal problem
that I hope you can help me with. I am
attractive young girl. Many men lust after me. Yesterday I was looking in
mirror, and noticed I have a rash that is very bumpy on my ass. I am worried
that some man will see, and think bad things. Can you please help me and tell
me what I should do?
Irene
My Dear Child Irene,
My child, of COURSE the Swami can help
you. What you have is a condition commonly known as Ass Acne, or AA for short.
This condition can be caused by a number of different things, and although the
treatment is the same, it's always wise to know the cause so that you can keep
from getting it again. This will be especially important to you after you use
the cure.
So here are a few things that may be
causing your problem. How often do you wash your PAD? I've been told that PADs
have to be kept clean, due to the nature of their use. If not, then obviously
they could spread germs, and be the cause of your AA. Another cause may be that
you need to ask your boyfriend to shave. Often, a beard will cause irritation
to your nether regions when you sit for long periods on his face.
If your boyfriend uses a DBAD, you need to
make sure he keeps THAT very clean, as well. This could be the
cause.
Okay, now that we know some of the
possible causes, here's the cure. This is a tried and true method, and
guaranteed to work every time.
First, you will need some sandpaper and a
bottle of vinegar. Then, you take the sandpaper, and use it to briskly rub the
affected area until you have literally sanded all the little red bumps down to
nothing.
Follow this by pouring the vinegar over
the entire area, to ensure all the little germies are dead.
Oh, and I would suggest that before you do
the cure, you make arrangements so that you do not have to sit down for the next
couple of weeks. Good luck, my child. Let me know how it turns
out!
Swami Leo Has Spoken
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Name: DemmyOoh
Email: ************
How I found you:
Other
Location: Earth
Color of
aura: Dunno, but my aureoles are
pink
My question:
Dear Great and Wonderful Swami
Leo,
I have a problem, and I'm not sure if you
can help. I considered writing to Hints From Heloise, or perhaps Martha Stewart
on this one, but then I thought I would be better served asking you, as you are
used to questions of this nature, and I wouldn't feel so
embarrassed.
See,
here's the deal. I have a favorite toy, my Purple Ass Dildo (which I
affectionately refer to as my PAD),
and for some reason, it has become
discoloured, and dare I say it, even stained. Swami, I have to tell
you I have a strong attachment to my PAD that is
on a level with perhaps your attachment to your Porsche, or with PC's attachment
to his hand, or even Andy's attachment to Soli. In other words, I just can't
stand the idea of not using my PAD. I will try anything to save it! I've tried
bleach, strong soap, and even a wire brush (which did enhance the texture if
nothing else), all to no avail.
Dear Great Swami, can you offer any
suggestions as to how I can save my wonderful PAD? I do love it
so!
Demmy
My Dear Child Demmy,
Yes, my child, of course you have come to
the right place. I did some research on this issue, watched a few films of a
device such as your PAD in use, and I have a few suggestions which might be of
some help.
In the first place, we have to consider
the scientific principle of friction. As you may or may not know,
when any object is rubbed across another,
heat is generated. My Cosmic Minions report that you tend to get really frantic
when you use your PAD. You manage to work up such speed and frenzy with your
thrusting that a LOT of heat is generated. This is what is causing the
discoloration.
So considering the possible options, one
being replacing your PAD with a Stainless Steel version, and the other, trying
to control your frenzy and not moving the damn thing in and out so FAST, we're
not really left with a lot of choice, as I gather you would not replace your
PAD, and it's unlikely you will be able to refrain from your ecstatically
frenzied thrusting, I'm afraid there just may not be a solution. You will have
to accept this discolouration as a natural result of your PAD fondness, and just
get on with your life. By the way, has it
crossed your mind that just perhaps where you are PUTTING the damn thing may
have something to do with the problem??
Swami Leo Has Spoken
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Name: Melancholy
Email:
***************
How I found you: Erotic Dream
Location: On The Edge
Color of
aura: Other
My question:
Dear Swami,
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as
though they're here to stay!
Oh, I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, I'm not
half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday
came suddenly. Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say. I said
something wrong, now I long for yesterday. Yesterday, love was such an easy game
to play. Now I need a place to hide away! Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Please help me, Swami!
My Dear Child Mel,
When you're alone And life is making you lonely, You can always
go downtown.
When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry seems to
help, I know, downtown. Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city.
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty. How can you lose?
The
lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all
your cares and go Downtown. Things'll be great when you're Downtown, no finer
place for sure, Downtown, everything's waiting for you!!
Swami Leo Has Spoken
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Name: ElliEmail:
************* How I found you: Ouija BoardLocation:
EUROPEColor of aura: What's An Aura???My question: GREAT AND WISE
SWAMI, HOW DID YOU END UP ON WWW.SAAIT.NET?WERE YOU LOOKING FOR
PORN?
My Dear Child Elli,
My dear, yours is an interesting and
provocative question, and of course, I will endeavor to answer it in a succinct and literate manner. But
first, what eez thees "porn" you speak of? I'm afraid I'm not at
all familiar with that term.
Actually, it is rather interesting how I
came to set up shop here at Saait. When last I came down from the Mountain of Knowledge, brimming with wisdom
and a keen desire to do good for Mankind, I sent my trusty Cosmic Minions out in search of a place
where there was a great need for my particular brand of mentorship and sage
advice. After a time, they returned, and began to tell me about this most
interesting place they referred to as "the 'Net". Of course, I had
no knowledge of what this meant, but as they begin to explain the concept to me,
I came to see that it wasn't all that different from the ways I've always used
to communicate. It's magical, universal, and instantaneous. Surely the same as
sending out Cosmic Vibes as I did in the "good ole days", right?
So then it was just a matter of finding a
suitable home on the internet, and after many hours of searching on this thing
known as "google", I stumbled upon Saait. And after perusing the forums, I came
to see that never in the history of mankind had such a diverse group of people
in dire need of counselling and spiritual guidance ever before come together in
one place. Most assuredly, Saait is THE place most in need of my services, so
here I am!
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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Name: Jocelyn
Email: ************
How I found you: Bone Casting
Location: UK
Color of aura: Other
My question: Dear Swami,
I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
What's causing this?
My Dear Child Jocelyn,
Well, there are of course many causes for stress; many things
that will bring us to the edge of what we call a "nervous
breakdown". Chief among these are money and personal
relationships, but of course there are others. Your job may be
the culprit. Your children. The fact that your dog keeps shitting all
over the kitchen floor, or that your husband is hanging around in a gay
bar. Perhaps your teenage son has shaved his head and joined a
neo-nazi group. It could be anything.
So I decided that I'd best send out my trusty Cosmic Minions to see if they could uncover the problem.
They reported back to me just yesterday, and it turns out your problem
is a very common one, but also a very simple one to solve. The
fact of the matter is, you're just plain not getting enough sex.
Yes, my child, it's as simple as that.
The best way to resolve this problem will be for you to start
masturbating at least three times a day. You will find this a
most satisfactory way to relieve stress, believe me. To enhance
the experience, might I recommend that you obtain a high quality video
camera, and be sure to film each and every episode.
You will then, of course, have to send these films to The Swami,
so that I can inspect them closely to be sure you are doing it
correctly. My interest, of course, is purely clinical. I
need to be sure that you are in fact relieving your stress level.
Trust me. I'm The Swami.
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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Name: Johnny
Email: ************
How I found you: Divine
Inspiration
Location: Lower Slobvovia
Color of aura: Mauve
Dear Swami
Leo,
I really need your help! A few days ago,
I was surfing the forums, and I accidentally came across a picture
of one of your members...a picture of his
COCK!!! Honest, it was an accident! But then, a strange thing happened. I
found myself unable to look away! And even worse, "it" moved!!! Yes, there was
a definite twitch down there! OMG, Swami Leo!! What should I do?? What does
this mean? I'm worried sick!
My Dear Johnny,
Well, it's nothing to worry about. You're
a fag! Deal with it!
Swami Leo Has Spoken
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Name: Sexy But Curious
Email: *****************************
How I found you: Erotic Dream
Location: quite comfortable
Color of aura: Other
My question: Dear Swami,
Not to brag too much, but I'm a VERY hot sexy woman and my sex
life
with my man is very good. So I have a question. On several
occasions,
I've noticed him in the shower spanking his monkey. I don't mind,
but
I'm wondering if this is normal. As I said, our sex life is very
good,
and he gets sex often enough, so why does he do this?
Thank you, wonderful Swami Leo!
My Dear Child Sexy,
Well, actually, there are a couple of reasons that your man may be
spending his time choking his chicken, when he could be with you if
he
wanted to. The usual one is that some men feel like that if they do
this often, they will be able to have sex longer with their woman, as
they are keeping their "supply" low, as it were. Some men are very
"quick on the trigger", and of course this is not a good thing for
the
woman, so they do this quite often in hopes they will last longer
during
the "real thing". This may well be the issue at hand in your
situation.
There is, of course, another possibility, probably the more likely
of
the two.
Ever notice how a male dog will lick his balls every chance he gets?
Well, men are like that about chicken choking. In both cases, the
reason is the same. Because they CAN!
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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Name: svetaEmail: sveta@yandex.comHow I found you:
Matchbook CoverLocation: new Color of aura: BlackMy question: This
website is very nice and colorful too. Its nice to have something to show others
where you attend church and to show all the smiling people filled of the
goodness of the Lord. You have a wonderful website here. May God rich bless you
always.
My Dear Dumbass Spammer Bitch
Sveta,
Well, thanks for the compliment, you
spamming fuck. You could at least have the sense to tailor your fucking spam to
the site you're spamming! This is a PORN SITE, dumbass!! Which church is it
exactly that you are
going to share all our wonderful porn with?
I'm sure a lot of our members would like to know! Perhaps First Church of Porn
Freaks, Necrophiliacs, and General Perverts? Yeah, give us all the addy, we'd
like to check
THAT church out!
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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Name: Hungry MILF
Email: ***********
How I found you: Erotic Dream
Location: Near The Welfare Line
Color of aura: Pink
My question: Dear Wonderful, All-Knowing, incredibly sexy Swami Leo,
Hi, Swami. I have a big problem and I hope you can
help. First, let me say I'm in a good marriage and have wonderful
children. I am still young, having started my family early.
Recently,
we have been experiencing some severe financial problems, due to some
just plain bad luck. Things are tough. So here's the
problem.
I am a trained Exotic Dancer and
Lounge Waitress, and I must admit I'm very good at it. I feel
like I need to go back to work because we are in such financial
trouble, and between you and me, I always enjoyed the work.
My
husband does not like this idea at all, even though he knows I can make
good money at it. Swami, we really need the money, just to stay
afloat. How can I convince hubby that this is necessary?
Thank you, Swami Leo
My Dear Child HM,
Well, it's somewhat understandable for a man not to want his woman
"strutting her stuff" in front of a bunch of horny drunks, but on the
other hand, a good man will trust his wife, and swallow his male pride,
and admit that you guys need the income to survive.
I would say the trick will be for you to choose a place of employment
that is "high end", not some sleazy bar, and perhaps work as a coctail
waitress rather than a stripper, and see if that works out.
You might discuss with your husband that many men would be very proud
that their wives were hot enough to get a job like this, and that he
should know he can trust you, that you're doing this for him and your
family (the fact that you will enjoy yourself is just an added benefit
to you, and perhaps should be kept out of the conversation). If
he's any kind of man, he'll understand this, and trust you, and will
appreciate the help and support you are giving.
As
for you, I would kinda want to avoid things like Lap Dances, and for
goodness sake, stay OUT of the CHAMPAGNE ROOM! But of course, if
you do end up doing these things, be sure to send yours truly pictures!
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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Name: Lolo
Email: ***********
How
I found you: Ouija Board
Location: Haiti
Color of aura: Puce
My
question: Hi Swami,
who's the hottest chick on this planet?
(and will
I ever go on a date with her?)
My Dear Lolo (I gotta tell ya that's my ALL
TIME favorite Nintendo game),
Well, there are several ways of looking at
your question, and therefore several ways to answer it.
It could be said that the hottest chick on
this planet is the one you're about to nail, which of course would also
answer the second part of your question.
I think that "hotness" is a very
subjective trait, and varies from man to man, woman to woman, and depends on a
lot of things. Ethnic origins, geography, and social influences all play a part
in what we find "hot". It might be said that hotness is as hotness does, but of
course that would be ripping off Forrest Gump.
The secret here is to convince yourself
that the girl you are currently involved
with is the hottest chick on the planet, and if you are able to make her feel
that way, if you treat her like she IS the hottest chick on the planet, then of
course she will be, and you will be more than satisfied with her.
It is an unfortunate thing about mankind
that we are seldom happy with the way things are, and always think there must be
something better somewhere else. This philosophy, albeit something we cannot
help, will lead to misery. Obviously, it is not in our nature to be satisfied
with what we have. But this is the only way we can ever achieve happiness, to
be content with our lot.
So, my dear Lolo, find a girl who will
care for you and love you, then convince yourself that she is indeed the
"hottest chick on this planet", and you will be truly happy.
Swami Leo Has Spoken |
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