That's not how you do it

This Is How You Do It

Pogo Owned

Hot Blonde In Red

Can It Get Hotter?

Name : Eldorado
Location : Here
Color of Aura: Dark
Question : Great Swami,
Well.. i don't know how to start. As you may know (or not), i'm an
irish boy who loves....boys.
The only problem is that I don't know how to tell my old folks that I
don't fancy girls.
what should I do?

waiting for your reply


Eldorado, my son.

I fear you may have more problems than you think. It's unusal for a
person of the faggot persuasion to surf porn web sites, which demonstrates that you are really in a state of confusion as to your true sexual identity.
I suggest you go ahead and tell your parents that you THINK you might be gay, but then show them some of the pictures and videos you've undoubtedly downloaded from SAAIT. They will be reassured!

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: Whats the most confusing day of the year for a black guy?
A: Father's Day

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Q: What do you call a black guy with a PHD?
A: A nigger.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Mormon?
A: A basement full of stolen groceries.

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Name : Richard
Location :
Color of Aura:
Question : Dear Swami, I seemed to have lost my wallet and cell phone, i think they are in a pair of pants, but i have misplaced though as well if thats the case. where are they?

My Dear Richard,

My sources tell me that your wallet and cell are indeed in your pants. Unfortunately, although you don't seem to recall it, your pants became so soiled after you spent 3 hours in that booth in the back of the porn shop, that you just left them there. Luckily for you, since it WAS a porn shop, the sight of you running out of the joint in just your underwear was really not out of the ordinary.

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them...

Q:How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change anything.

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So women know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Chinese?
A: Someone who can steal a car but can't drive it.

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And Round She Goes

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Can you do this?

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Cameron

Name : Frank
Location : Not yet
Color of Aura: Yellow
Question : Great Swami,
Why am I drunk every day?


Frank
Frank, my child,

Well, I would like to be able to tell you that your alcoholism is a genetic
trait, like being gay, and beyond your control.

However, unfortunately, in your case you drink yourself into oblivion every day because your whole life sucks, and you cannot face it sober.

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: Why are white guys so short?
A: Because the're cock-asian.

Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.

Q: What do you call a black man with no arms or legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What do you get when you mix a polock and a mexican?
A: Someone who mows your driveway.

Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: Tooth fairy

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KO
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Shyla : big boobs

Name : Richard
Location :
Color of Aura:
Question : Dear Swami, I seemed to have lost my wallet and cell phone, i think they are in a pair of pants, but i have misplaced though as well if thats the case. where are they?

My Dear Richard,

My sources tell me that your wallet and cell are indeed in your pants. Unfortunately, although you don't seem to recall it, your pants became so soiled after you spent 3 hours in that booth in the back of the porn shop, that you just left them there. Luckily for you, since it WAS a porn shop, the sight of you running out of the joint in just your underwear was really not out of the ordinary.

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A: A Canoe will eventually tip.

Q: What do you call a black guy in the middle of the ocean?
A: Pollution.

Q: What do you call a whole bunch of black people in the middle of the ocean?
A: Solution.

Q: What do you call 50,000 black people jumping out of a plane?
A: Night.

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Q: Why do black people only chill and kick it?
A: Because they don't like to hang.

Q: A black guy and a Mexican jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits the ground first?
A: The Mexican, because the black guy had to stop on the way down and spray paint "mother fucker" on the wall.

Q: Why do police dogs lick their ass?
A: To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth.

Q: Why can't Sam ride a bike?
A: Because Sam has downs.

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Name: Tiege
Email: *******
How I found you: Bone Casting
Location: State of confusion
Color of aura:Off White
My question:

Oh all knowing Swami,
When I eat peas, they make me crap. Now knowing that there has to be a
balance in the world. If I eat crap (Like McDonalds Hamburgers), will they
make me pee???

Tiege

Tiege, My Son

Well, obviously you don't watch enough South Park, because in one episode, Cartman proved your theory to be true. He was ruminating about the fact that if he ate a candy bar, a turd came out his butt, so what would happen if he shoved a candy bar up his butt?
Well, to make a long story short, shortly after shoving a Baby Ruth bar up his butt, sure enough, a turd came out of his mouth!
So if you really want to verify this, go shove a McDonald's Hamburger (better make it one of the triple ones just for safety's sake) up your ass, and don't be surprised if when you least expect it, a big ole turd will come out of your mouth.
....just a note of caution...timing is of the essence. You do NOT want said turd to come out of your mouth during the middle of a make-out session with your girl. I may be mistaken, but I'm fairly certain this would really gross her out, and that particular relationship would be over.

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: How do you kill 50 flys?
A: Hit a Somalian in the face with a shovel.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, it's a woman's job.

Q: Who are the two most famous black women in history?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker.

Q: Who is the best Jewish cook?
A: Hitler.

Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: How man Sorority members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

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Nutcracker

And Down She Goes

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Who Needs A Bath?

Name : Spyros
Location: Greece
Color of Aura: Does Not Exist
Question :Dear Swami,
I always had this sexual fantasy about making love with my girlfriend inside a huge fish bowl, while a giraffe is licking my private parts and two hundred parachuters are falling from the sky with their parachutes painted yellow with pink dots.
However my girlfriend is too narrow minded and refuses to cooperate, claiming that she doesn't like pink dots.
Should I keep trying to convince her, or just start looking for another girlfriend?

My Dear Spyros,

First, let me say there is nothing at all unusual about your sexual
fantasy. I've had much the same one, except in mine the parachutists were naked. Oh, and their parachutes were orange with green polka dots. Oh,and it was a three toed sloth instead of a giraffe...oh, and it wasn't a fishbowl, it was an oaken wine cask. Well, okay, maybe it's not EXACTLY the same, but pretty close, you must admit!

As for that unimaginative bitch you call your girlfirend, try telling her
you'll let the giraffe lick her all over, and give her some tinted glasses
so that the spots will appear a different color. That should do it!

Good luck, and enjoy!
Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: What do you get when you cross a black person with an Octopus?
A: Who knows, but it sure can pick cotton.

Q: What's the difference between sand and abortion?
A: You cant drink sand.

Q: What do you call a bunch of black kids playing in a pile of leaves?
A: Raisin Brand.

Q: What's faster than a black guy running down the street with your TV?
A: His brother behind him with your VCR.

Q: Why are there more black people than Indians?
A: We haven't played Cowboys and Black people yet.

Q: What do you call a black guy who goes to college?
A: A Basketball player.

Q: What's 11 + 46 + 14?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.

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Grandma Has Fun

Owned By Car

Crocodiles are lame?

Time to Shower now?

Name: Johnny
Email: ************
How I found you: Divine Inspiration
Location: Lower Slobvovia
Color of aura: Mauve
Dear Swami Leo,
I really need your help! A few days ago, I was surfing the forums, and I accidentally came across a picture
of one of your members...a picture of his COCK!!! Honest, it was an accident! But then, a strange thing happened. I found myself unable to look away! And even worse, "it" moved!!! Yes, there was a definite twitch down there! OMG, Swami Leo!! What should I do?? What does this mean? I'm worried sick!

My Dear Johnny,

Well, it's nothing to worry about. You're a fag! Deal with it!

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: Why do black people need to use moisturizer?
A: So they don't crack up in the heat.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A baby.

Q: What does a black person and a soda machine have in common?
A: They both take your money and give you coke in return.

Q: What happens when a Mexican and an ASIAN make a baby?
A: A car thief who can't actually drive is born.

Q: Why were there only 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: They only had two cars.

Q: How did Jews leave the concentration camps?
A: Through the chimneys!

Q: How do you blind an ASIAN?
A: You put a windshield in front of him.

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Fun With Kids

Stripping In The Kitchen

Name: Brad
Email: *********************
How I found you: Ouija Board
Location: Ohio
Color of aura: Auras are for fruits
My question: With all do respect "swami" ur way of answering questions is unique i'll admit that, however you have to atleast try to give them some good advise then to just tell them to poison their co workers coffee.
TWO WRONGS TO NOT MAKE A RIGHT

Brad, My Poor Guileless Child!

Bless your heart, just what part of the "fake" in Fake Psychic do you not understand? This column is designed for entertainment. If you're actually coming here to a porn site talking to an admitted fake swami seeking genuine advice, well I'm afraid you are waaaay beyond help!

Oh, and although two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do!

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"

Q: Why do black people wear pants so low?
A: Spell saggin backwards.

Q: Have you ever heard of a nigger fortune cookie?
A: It's a piece of cornbread with a foodstamp inside.

Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

Q: What does a 9 volt battery and a girls asshole have in common?
A: You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What would Martin Luther King be if he were white?
A: ALIVE!

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He's Not Supposed to Do It Like That

Some Like It Hot

Brianna !!!

Name: hannah
Email: ****************
How I found you: Pure Dumb Luck
Location: house
Color of aura: don't know
My question: Will Martha and I ever talk again?


My Dear Child Hannah,
I'm not sure what is the best way to tell you this....perhaps you'd
better sit down, okay? The other night, when you were deeply engaged in your intimate conversation with Martha, the one where you both plumbed the depths of the meaning of life, and solved virtually all the great mysteries of the universe? Remember?
Well, I'm sorry to tell you, but you were dreaming, and your cat Martha
will NOT talk to you again.
Oh, but if she does? Be sure to have a tape recorder handy, okay?

Swami Leo Has Spoken

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What do you get when 10 black people are on the moon?
A: A problem.

Q: What do you get when 100 black people are on the moon?
A: A big problem.

Q: What do you get when all the black people are on the moon?
A: Problem solved.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: What is red green yellow orange purple and pink?
A: A black person dressed for church.

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He Almost Made It

He's Not Supposed to Do It Like That

It's not Always Going Like You Want It

Sexy Ass !!

Name: Lonkerdo
Email:  **********
How I found you: Nightmare From Hell
Location: Ivory Coast
Color of aura: Mauve
My question: Swami,

Me = black
People no like black

Why?
 
My Dear Chilk Lonkerdo,

  First, I must caution you against gross generalizations.  Most certainly SOME people don't like blacks, but that does not apply to ALL people!  Heck, here in USA we're about to elect a black president!  Now THAT is progress, don't you think?  Of course, he's only HALF black, but hey, it's a start, right?
 Seriously, though, there is certainly much truth in what you say, and I believe that the main reason is that most people automatically fear that which is different.  I believe the majority of racial hatred is due to this fear, and the anger people feel because they feel this fear. People are ashamed of themselves when they feel fear, and tend to over-react by lashing out at that which they fear.
  Here in the USA, at least, there is a reason for this fear.  If you look back in history, the USA has been made up totally of immigrants; people from other countries.  At times, most all of them have been "feared" and "hated".  When it was the Italians, everyone hated them.  Same for the Irish, the Japanese, and on and on.  But the difference is, each one of these groups integrated into our society.  They adopted our customs, they picked themselves up and found a way to fit in.  They adopted our work ethic, our social values, etc etc.  They did not automatically expect that the USA owed them a living.  They did not line up for welfare and social services.  They did not demand to be treated with "respect" without first doing something to earn respect. 
  Largely, this has not been true for the blacks, I think.  They insist on being different from everyone else, for one thing.  Look at the names they give their children!  They make these names up so as to be identifiable as Black American.  On the one hand, they desire the same equality and rights as all the other immigrants, but on the other, they insist on being different, and refuse to "fit in". 
  I don't know what the answers are, and as time goes on, race matters less and less when you get right down to it.  Personally, I judge everyone by what they say and do.  
I think it's a flaw of mankind that we need someone to hate.  We need an enemy.  We need someone or some group to feel superior to.  All in all, we still have a long way to climb up the evolutionary ladder, I think.
 
Swami Leo Has Spoken

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
 
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
 
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
 
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' 

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